10 days for Letting Go

my dad waited till i was ready to really let go

when i first knew about his condition last year, there were nights i woke up with a fright and i was reminded how i used to fear him leaving me if i fall asleep. (i was under the care of relatives from birth till 15, in the early years, i was very close to dad and he used to put me to bed, but there was always this fear that he will run away when i fall asleep and i would strugle to keep awake even though i was tired and sleepy) so, several times, i woke up in fear that he has left.

for many months and weeks, i work and work and when it comes to weekends, i struggle to stay awake.

becos time was precious and i hoped that when i stay awake, time can become longer.

of course this is silly but i couldnt let go of my dad

i cried so much and griefed so much

i told god that he could take 10 years off my life just so that my dad can live a few more years

but god dont trade

i was so fearful that dad would leave us when i am not around, at work or something. yet at the same time, i was so afraid that my dad would leave us while under my watch. i needed my sis to be around, just around. i dont know why but when she is around, i was brave.

i couldnt and didnt sleep. just the last nite before he passed on, i was so drousy that i fell asleep for a hour or so, next to him on the floor. sis bought a sleeping bag, we call it "camping at SGH". we literally camped that day and nite for ten days.

then one day, on day 9, there was a change in me. suddenly yet calmly, i felt ready to let go. i didnt need anyone to feel brave anymore. i was finally brave. maybe it was dad who gave me the bravery, as he was oh so brave! i no longer begged god for one more day or one more year. i dont know how to explain this but i no longer was desperate or fearful. of course i miss my most beloved father, but i no longer begged for forever becos forever is in my heart.

i said to myself, -- dad's body cannot take it. his body is damaged and there is no point to forcefully prolong the living.

his spirit is good and healthy, hence, it is better for him to change a temple (house, body, temple) and return if he wants to.

there was such a change in my attitude that i was confident to handle what ever comes next.

i told sis-- let's go home, get ready dad's favourite clothings, have lunch and return to SGH.

we calmly did so.

in fact, i felt so connected to dad that i knew exactly what he wants.

i am sure my sis was just as connected with dad

we asked the doctor for approval to do a tap for dad so that he can fit into his faourite clothings
(dad was concern of his big tummy)

dad kept the key to his locked drawer in the pocket of his favourite vest.

that was the key to his best kept documents, birth cert, my sis PSLE result slip, my mom's mother's day card, my club eleven name cards.

these are the little things that meant so much to my dad.

how it broke my heart.

but oh, my dad, you are so brave. i shall live in your spirit and be just like you.

i love you and thank you for loving me.

i went home, cried my heart out with bren. calm down, bathed, ate lunch and return to SGH.

in taxi, i texted sis, -- im on the way. actually, message was for dad. -- wait for me, im on the way.

aunt jessie wanted to talk to dad. i said no. let's not make it sad for him. he is leaving and let's just pray.

we prayed. i droped three droplets of holy water into dad's lower lips. he drank them peacefully.

there was a burp, like when you drink too muck carbonated soft drink, you burp.

ling! come here! i waved at sis to come to the bedside.

dad took another peaceful breath and left.

we both did a brilliant job. we were both so calm.

my sis is the greatest. we took care of everything.

i am so glad i stayed by him. i am so glad we didnt send him to the hospice. not that we even considered it at all.

we were so angry at mom but let's not talk about it. becos dad parting note to us was to
RESPECT your mother. RESPECT! oh god respect our mother.

we will die trying, dad dont worry, we will la. we are family.

Good Bye, Pa Pa

my dad passed away last wednesday 17th May 2006

for the longest time, i couldnt talk about it

dad was diagnosed with liver cancer last september

we never acknowledged it to be cancer and never used that term becos dad never thoght of it as cancer

only the doctor did

in fact, there was another professor who said in his seventy years of experience, this is not cancer but a serious form of hepatitis B

whatever the case, it does not matter now that dad is in heaven. but it was a good thing that dad didnt think of himself as terminal becos he lived like there were many tomorrows

he had not begged for another day

in fact, in his note to us, he wished for our good health and asked for blessings for us, his siblings, cousins, friends and relatives

such strength and calmness he had

made my heart break

but i shall live in his strength. he was such a simple man, a born volunteer. helped at RC for over twenty years. old aged home etc. his life besides loving us was loving others. aged, poor, animals, you name it. he was in action every day.
till his last days he talked about loving every body and about god's almighty love
(a little confusing for some people as dad was buddhist)
but whatever, love prevalis and dad knows he has so much love. never did he finched for a second.

i love you my pa pa, i love you

i will see you again

my motorbike. sis has one too! 

gecko

picturesque gecko